Friday, February 25, 2011

What I Was Going To Say....

Sissy Right Before Surgery
Before They Took Off Her Clothes

My Gorgeous Son Cody

This post was going to be titled "Tired" because that is what I am folks... Tired. Mentally, Physically, Emotionally... just plain darn tired. Then I read a post about ANOTHER baby dying this week. WTH????? Yes, I am up to 4 DECEASED babies this week. Not only that, but it would be horribly unfair to my fellow infertile friends who would eat a shoe to have a child and be "tired" like me. For those who do not know, let me take you back. (Mom- don't read any further because you don't like to talk about it) I was a "fertile" once upon a time. Yep, me... I could get pregnant w/o science. Can you believe it? When I was 19 I got pregnant by my then boyfriend. I got prenatal care- I told all of my family (he didn't) I wore clothes to "hide" my belly because he was scared that his parents would kick him out and we didn't have a home at that time. Anyway, I had a little girl- a little early and she was stillborn. Yep, you read it right... she was dead on arrival. No reason- just "it happens sometimes, just like with SIDS" So, naive Christy gets pregnant again- has a miscarriage and again and has a son at 21 weeks. He is also born dead. Doctor- still gives me no reason.... I find a new OB who sends me to a specialist (I still see the new ob and the specialist office) who determined that I had a blood clotting disorder that was killing my children. So, once I was pregnant again I would have to give myself blood thinner injections and take a baby aspirin and all should be fine. Well, then I couldn't get pregnant again. Then the fertility treatments started and went on and on and on. Then we decided on adoption- got home study completed all was done and then we switched to international because of a horrible experience with a birth mom. Got approved for international. Then gave it one last shot... I got Cody out of the deal. I am LUCKY to have my children. They are EVERYTHING to me. So, if I ever say anything to hurt you, I apologize. I do not mean to. I am just stressed. I am very, very lucky to have my babies to hold.

I try to "block" Charity & Gage from my mind a lot of the time. It hurts to think of them. However, this week it has been hard with all of the losses coming my way. I have to admit I am getting depressed. There are 2 songs that remind me of my kids- The Dance by Garth Brooks and Who You'd Be Today by Kenny Chesney. I love both- but both hurt. I had both of their names and Dob's tattooed on my ankles. That way they are ALWAYS with me. I was young and I had to "know" that they existed in this world. I Love You Charity, I Love You Gage. I will see you again someday. **forgive my hair legs, I do not have time to shave these days** Also, Cathy- if you are reading this- I am sorry that this had to be brought up but it did. You know he didn't tell you about Charity and you know about Gage. (I will also be getting Cody & Cami's names tatted as well, just not sure where yet)


  1. Oh, Christy! :'( *hugs* I'm so sorry about Gage and Charity. What lovely tattoos - I am so glad you did that. I've considered getting a little one somewhere concealed for Esther, but we never knew for sure if she even was - just a strong conviction on my part. I'm so sorry you're going through this terrible time, and so glad that you can look through it and remember that your children are blessings, even though it is scary and hard. You are a strong, strong woman. *hugs*

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  3. Wow Christy I had no idea. Im so sorry!! I do too love the tattoos its a lovely way to have them with you wherever you may go along side from them always being in your heart!! I think you are an amazing mother to your two beautiful babies hang in there as you are stronger the you know!! God bless you and your family!! {{warm hugs}}

    p.s. sorry for the removed post above i had only typed a few words and my son accidently sent it....

  4. Oh my goodness, never apologize for how you feel. You have every right. Anyone who would feel hurt by what you post or would be annoyed that you dare feel tired with your situation is not worth your time. You have been through so much. I am so sorry for your loss and current struggle. I can't wait to see Cami improving and going home with her family. Good luck to all of you.

  5. I'm so sorry for your losses. It's hard when we lose babies and there seems to be no reason for it. It's a comfort to know that we can see them again someday!