What I Was Going To Say....

Sissy Right Before Surgery

Before They Took Off Her Clothes

My Gorgeous Son Cody

This post was going to be titled "Tired" because that is what I am folks... Tired. Mentally, Physically, Emotionally... just plain darn tired. Then I read a post about ANOTHER baby dying this week. WTH????? Yes, I am up to 4 DECEASED babies this week. Not only that, but it would be horribly unfair to my fellow infertile friends who would eat a shoe to have a child and be "tired" like me. For those who do not know, let me take you back. (Mom- don't read any further because you don't like to talk about it) I was a "fertile" once upon a time. Yep, me... I could get pregnant w/o science. Can you believe it? When I was 19 I got pregnant by my then boyfriend. I got prenatal care- I told all of my family (he didn't) I wore clothes to "hide" my belly because he was scared that his parents would kick him out and we didn't have a home at that time. Anyway, I had a little girl- a little early and she was stillborn. Yep, you read it right... she was dead on arrival. No reason- just "it happens sometimes, just like with SIDS" So, naive Christy gets pregnant again- has a miscarriage and again and has a son at 21 weeks. He is also born dead. Doctor- still gives me no reason.... I find a new OB who sends me to a specialist (I still see the new ob and the specialist office) who determined that I had a blood clotting disorder that was killing my children. So, once I was pregnant again I would have to give myself blood thinner injections and take a baby aspirin and all should be fine. Well, then I couldn't get pregnant again. Then the fertility treatments started and went on and on and on. Then we decided on adoption- got home study completed all was done and then we switched to international because of a horrible experience with a birth mom. Got approved for international. Then gave it one last shot... I got Cody out of the deal. I am LUCKY to have my children. They are EVERYTHING to me. So, if I ever say anything to hurt you, I apologize. I do not mean to. I am just stressed. I am very, very lucky to have my babies to hold.

I try to "block" Charity & Gage from my mind a lot of the time. It hurts to think of them. However, this week it has been hard with all of the losses coming my way. I have to admit I am getting depressed. There are 2 songs that remind me of my kids- The Dance by Garth Brooks and Who You'd Be Today by Kenny Chesney. I love both- but both hurt. I had both of their names and Dob's tattooed on my ankles. That way they are ALWAYS with me. I was young and I had to "know" that they existed in this world. I Love You Charity, I Love You Gage. I will see you again someday. **forgive my hair legs, I do not have time to shave these days** Also, Cathy- if you are reading this- I am sorry that this had to be brought up but it did. You know he didn't tell you about Charity and you know about Gage. (I will also be getting Cody & Cami's names tatted as well, just not sure where yet)