Feelings

Though I am hurting horribly I know that my daughter is hurting more. My hurt is nothing compared to my beautiful little girl's hurt. I know that she must be so confused. I know that she is sedated, I know the Doctor tells me that the older kids that are sedated never remember anything that happened to them. However, I can't help but wonder what she IS feeling and what she MUST know. I feel selfish because I BEGGED God for years to let me be a mom. That is all I have ever wanted- to be a mom. I was blessed two times. There were days that I cried all day long because I wanted nothing more than to be a mom. It didn't matter if the child came from my body or not, I just wanted to be someones mom. I wanted someone to call me "mama". I now have two beautiful blessings, Cody will be 18 months on the 26th of this month and Cami will be 4 months on the 18th. I feel bad that Cami is going through so much right now. I know that God wanted her on this earth or he would not have given her to me. Cody and Cami are my heart- they are two halves that make my heart whole. I am angry right now because my baby is suffering and no one seems to know why. When she went into the hospital she didn't have any brain bleeds- her subderal's were bleeding, but not the brain itself. She didn't have a hole in her lung, she didn't have RSV, she didn't have a lung infection, didn't have a brain infection, wasn't having seizures. All of this manifested while there.... I am just rambling- sorry... just need to try and vent. I thank God every day for my children- they are my miracles. I beg God daily to heal Cami, She is half of my heart.